Fern, I just read your article ‘How Narcissism Can Lead to Sibling Estrangement’, and I recognised every single description.
This is not a surprise to me, since I’ve struggled with ‘sibling estrangement’ for nearly two decades. And she’s my only one… (adding to a deep-rooted sense of self-blame).
A turning point in my life was when I broke the news of my pregnancy with my sister (and of course, she’d been the first one on my list, I’d always been her loyal little sister), almost 19 years ago, who (then already mum of four healthy kids) simply responded that ‘people like me shouldn’t have children’. It very painfully opened my eyes, and I finally got to acknowledge the toxicity of our relationship.
Ever since, I’ve experienced the most phenomenal tactics of her ‘revenge’, to settle the score.
I knew I had to work this all out for myself, and I still know that the only one I can change is me. I’ve chosen a beautiful spiritual path and I’m often feeling fulfilled without my sister and parents. Yet, it also feels very lonely.
I often think that ‘I should get over myself’ and honestly, I’d love to, but on the other hand, I don’t ever wish to be sucked into our family dynamics again, in which I was used to be humiliated, belittled: physically and emotionally violated, so to speak.
Our nest is and has always been violent and unsafe, and I’ve come to set firm boundaries, which have been very often violated. The ‘contra-forces’ are indescribably strong, and it’s somehow forced me in some kind of social isolation (family wise).
It’s a pretty painful story. My parents are nearing their eighties, and my sister seems to be blind to our past. I don’t exactly know that works, psychologically, but it’s as if she completely ignores the abuse. She just wants us to be together again (and so do my parents!), and recall good memories. So I’m the sour one, the one sabotaging everything, the difficult one.
Perhaps I am. Yet I’ve always tried to survive a fiercely narcissistic older sister, a very unstable and forceful mum and an equally violent dad.
This is the last phase of my parents’ lives. And I notice that I feel a kind of trapped. In guilt. I self-blame.
I wonder how I can endure this, and I often notice that I’m worrying myself sick about having to show up together when one of my parents gets ill or dies.
Sally
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Thanks for your comment, Sally. I understand your fears. You have found some peace by distancing yourself from toxic family members, and you fear that your peace will be disturbed as you navigate your parents’ last stages of life. You certainly don’t want to upset the present with worry. Anxiety comes from looking too far into the future.
It sounds like you would benefit from working with a coach or therapist who understands sibling estrangement and the guilt and self-blame that often accompanies the choice to distance from family members. Please reach out if you’d like to learn about my services.