Hi Fern,
I recently discovered your efforts to discuss sibling estrangement and have ordered your book, workbook, and listened to podcasts. It’s been helping me to process some of my grief that I’ve been dealing with concerning my older brother. I decided to share my story with you, as I feel like it would be another decent outlet to talk through some of my feelings. It’s a very long and complicated story so I apologize in advance for my wordiness, but it does feel good to get it out and put it into words.
My name is Krissy. I have one older brother (3-ish years older) and two loving parents. My brother and I have never been close but we all lived nearby and remained a part of one another’s lives. My brother was a social chameleon when we were young and learned how to mingle with every social group in high school. He was a tennis jock, theatre star, cool stoner, singer and drummer in a band, party guy, Boy Scout, signature “bad boy” that all the girls wanted (included many of my friends and “it” girls of my year) and was one of the most popular names in school. I was, on the other hand, much more reserved. Was mostly friends with the “nerds” and did not spend much time socializing. I mainly spent my time writing.
My mother and I used to get into arguments because I wasn’t involved in many extra-curricular activities in high school…and that was honestly because my brother was already amazing in every club at school. I would always just be his “little sister” and pale in comparison to his greatness. I played tennis for a little, but was not as talented, and I would’ve liked to have written for the newspaper…if my brother wasn’t in that club as well. We didn’t fight as kids, not really. But we were just so very different; we weren’t friends. Still, I looked up to him in so many ways. I got into video games because he played video games. I became a lifeguard at the same waterpark that he worked at. I secretly didn’t mind his “stardom” because it put me on the map. No one would’ve known who I was had it not been for my older brother.
I even went to the same college that he did…and that is perhaps my biggest regret. Had I not met my amazing husband there, I would’ve wished I never went. See, my brother found religion when he attended college. Which was good at first! We were always a Christian family but never attended church regularly. My brother found this church group at college and it redefined a lot of who he was. He stopped drinking, smoking weed, sleeping around (I assume, never actually confirmed), and vowed to live a Christian life. And he has…but at many a cost.
The problem with this church is that it ended up being a bit of a skeptical on campus. Many at the college accused them of poor treatment and “cult-like” tendencies, but that’s a longer story. The main problem with this church was what it did to my brother. I believe it triggered something in him, and his real narcissistic behavior began to shine. Because he became a symbol of something in that church. Everything he was in high school, and more. He was the popular one; he had all of their attention; and they seemed to worship him over the years. He found an environment that would fuel his desperate need for attention, belonging, and acceptance.
For some reason, because my parents and I did not attend his church, we became “the enemy” in his eyes. He rarely ever visited home, despite our college being 30 minutes away from our parents, and when he did, he always brought reinforcements from his church with him. Later, he would always bring his wife’s family over to our house without invitation. His brother, sister, and mother-in-law became consistently present in our “family get-togethers” because he never wanted to be alone with us. He blamed my parents for his behavior in his youth. Blamed them for his alcohol and drug use, as well as an apparent sexual assault situation. To this day, I’m still not sure it ever happened; he tends to exaggerate things, but whatever happened, he blamed my parents for it. Particularly my mother. I’m not sure what he blamed me for, exactly, but he’s always had a problem with my “attitude”. For years, he tried to get me to go to his church for my “anger problems” which I’ve never really had, but he acts as if my anger is why we don’t get along.
My mother is an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I truly believe he’s aware and takes full advantage of that fact. He’s said many hurtful things to me and my mother over the years and it’s taken a heavy toll on my mother. He’s told me I’m going to hell, wished I wasn’t his sister, and yet has consistently blamed me for our lack of relationship, claiming that I never tried to be in his life, despite the many years I spent trying to be there for him while he mainly ignored my presence.
Something interesting my mother and I noticed over the years…he and his wife never asked any questions about our lives. They never asked about my job (any of the jobs I’ve had), apartment, my cat, my husband, wedding planning, nothing. They never ask “how are you?”. When I would greet them with the usual greeting “Hey! How have you been?” They answer the question, but they never reciprocate. It’s never “I’m good, how are you?”. It was always “I’m good.” His in-laws also began treating us like that, and this happened for YEARS. It still does. They were not interested in our lives at all; I’m not even sure if it’s intentional or just instinct on their part. They probably don’t even notice…but it is very hurtful. They only see us out of obligation – not love, or even because they want to.
Over the years, I tolerated this behavior and tried my best not to challenge him or his wife on behalf of my father’s wishes. My father is a people pleaser and never wanted to rock the boat. He was worried that any poor treatment of my brother would result in him cutting off our access to their granddaughters. And while he might’ve been right, it still became very painful to be treated poorly at every family gathering. There was always something that happened to upset either my mother or myself, and it was like this for nearly 15 years.
I love my parents very much…and it ate me up inside watching as my brother mistreated them over and over and over again. About a year ago, we had a family “incident”. I had since moved out of town for my husband’s job and happened to be visiting while my brother and sister-in-law were on vacation in Europe. Their daughters were staying with my parents at the time. To sum up the events, they became outrageously upset because we did not tell them that I would be staying in the same house as their daughters. Apparently, I wasn’t allowed to spend time with them alone…but that had never been communicated to me. A lot of other events triggered this but my brother’s mother-in-law called my father and began disparaging me and my character, and why I wasn’t allowed to be around the girls.
This caused an immense feud that almost resulted in him not being invited to my wedding. My parents were furious. I was…upset and confused for a number of reasons. He still came to my wedding, but things were not quite resolved. As I’m not sure they ever will be. My husband and I went to dinner with my brother and his wife shortly before the wedding and it was…interesting. While a lot was discussed, nothing truly came out of the conversation. It was clear to me, on that day, that my brother is secretly filled with rage. At one point, he could not even look at us as he was physically shaking with anger and was clearly having trouble controlling himself. I’ve never seen him like that…or anyone. He could not even really put into words what his issue was with me or my mom, but it’s very clear that he does NOT like to be challenged. And my mother and I challenge him. Or, rather, when he mistreats us, we speak up about it. He also refused to go to therapy with me and my parents to try and resolve issues. My parents and I sought out a Christian therapist together, but could not convince my brother to attend.
The more I read into narcissism, the more this makes sense. He’s in his perfect Christian world where he’s seen as an honorable mentor, a speaker, influencer, an important man of God. But he does not like it when his flaws are brought to the surface.
Since that weird day, he’s continued to treat my parents poorly. He’s exploded on them at minor problems that arose and has now “punished” my mom and said she is no longer allowed to speak to him on the phone. Only text, to which he barely responds. And he’s very proud of this decision, claiming how “at peace” he is now and bragging to my father about how happy he is now. Meanwhile, my mom suffers in a state of grief, saying that she “has no son.” My father is not quite sure what to do about the situation, and I live 9 hours away and have removed myself entirely from the situation – which has proved immensely helpful for me but still frustrating as I feel helpless when it comes to my parents.
Well things have changed for me. I’m married now, to an INCREDIBLE man, and we are now expecting our first child. And recently, the sibling relationship has been tormenting me more than usual because I am now agonizing over the decision of whether or not to allow my brother to be involved in my child’s life.
I feel like it’s my duty to protect my child (and my husband) from the toxic and cruel behaviors of my brother. The guilt I feel mainly stems from my nieces, who have done nothing wrong and deserve to have a little cousin in their lives…but I’ve made the extremely difficult decision to not tell my brother about the pregnancy. I’ve also blocked his number on my phone and severely restricted access to my social media counts for both him and his wife. What makes this even more difficult, for me, is my faith. I also happen to be a very strong Christian, and I’ve struggled with whether or not God would want me to “estrange” my brother. I was never sure what the Christian decision was…
But maybe, sometimes, God closes doors for a reason. Not to open a window, but to shut out the cold.
I have strangely felt an immense feeling of peace since making the decision to go no contact. The idea that I truly do not know when I will see or hear from him next is…freeing. I still feel sad that I will never have a healthy, caring sibling relationship like so many of my friends do, and in many ways it does feel like grieving someone who has died. A few weeks ago, I had what I call my “Final Cry” where I broke down and talked to God, wishing my brother and my nieces farewell, and accepting that it wasn’t my fault. Forgiving yourself in these situations is so important. I suffered for so many years, agonizing and dissecting everything I might’ve done or said to make him treat me the way he has. It plays with your mind, making you feel like the enemy they make you out to be, that you ARE a bad person and maybe you DO deserve this.
It was immensely difficult to crawl out of that hole. And some days, I find myself back in that hole again, having to crawl back out, but it has become easier and easier over the years. And having made the decision to go no contact, I no longer have to worry about getting a stressful text or phone call, and having that ruin my entire day. I don’t think of him as much. I’ve taken pictures down. I’ve put him and his family out of my mind, and the anxiety has lessened. I don’t talk about him that much anymore, because I have so much in my life to be thankful for that one person who doesn’t likely simply doesn’t matter or change anything.
Unfortunately, the pain will never really go away, and I accept that. I’ve let go of a lot of my resentment and gave up what I can’t make sense of to God, for it’s not for me to make sense of. In the end, as a believer, my brother will be the one to answer for his behavior. He will have to justify his choices to God…and I’m not saying that to feel some satisfying need for revenge but instead to know and embrace that it’s out of my hands. It’s no longer my fight to go to war for. I no longer feel an obligation to defend my family from him, as much as I would like to. I don’t have to protect them – God will do that for me. All I have to do is love my family like my brother cannot. God has blessed me with a husband who also loves my family, and we love his family as well. We’ve become a new family, and I’m immensely excited for our future <3
Thank you for listening to my story.
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Krissy –
Some relationships are simply too toxic to sustain. It’s important to protect your own wellbeing and your family. The journey is so painful, but it sounds like you have begun to find peace. Thanks for writing.